12-12-12

Over the weekend our family traveled out of town to attend the funeral of a colleague and friend. The last two funerals I attended were that of my parents. While I sat in the church feeling a sense of loss and deep sadness for my colleague, I became overwhelmed with emotions as thoughts of my parents, especially my mom, overshadowed everything that was going on. I began to sob. I decided to revisit a post that was written over three months ago. It became increasingly painful to post especially with all of the excitement and celebration of the holiday season. So I delayed publishing it…until now.

~Written 12-12-12~

12-12-12 is a meaningful date mainly because its a once in a lifetime occurrence. According to numerologists, it is the last major numerical date using the Christian calender for almost another century. The next time three numbers will align is 01-01-3001.

For me, today, 12-12-12 marks 4 years since my mother passed away. I remember quietly pleading with God to let her recover and live. I felt like I wasn’t ready for her to die. I felt like I still needed mom. I still had so many questions to ask her about marriage and raising kids. I had unanswered questions about her life. I remember watching her lay in her bed as life was leaving her body. I still remember the sights, the sounds, the the movements she made as she was transitioning from this life, to eternal life. I miss her all the time, especially during this time of year. (I type as the tears are falling.)

My mom had seven children. She had an opportunity to be “grandma” to all of her grandchildren except mine. I’m the youngest and was the last of my siblings to have children. I used to feel guilty for waiting so long to start a family. Then I felt cheated because my son is the only one of her 34 grandchildren that was born after her death. Now, there is a new generation of great-grandchildren who, like my son, will get to know mom by the legacy she’s left behind.

The holiday season for me is always received with mixed feelings and bitter-sweet emotions. But I’ll choose to focus on the treasured memories of a loving mother. I keep her memories alive to my children through videos, pictures and stories. I read her writings from her old bible and if I listen carefully its as though I can hear her voice speaking to me. Last May, I posted a special mother’s day tribute  that describes the type of mother she was.

~Today~

I actually feel better about this post. I feel like a piece of me that was bottled up inside was released. It’s as if the funeral I attended gave me an opportunity to grieve openly and freely. It didn’t take away from sadness I felt for my colleague but it was a catalyst for my own catharsis.

What experience have ignited an opportunity for you to grieve, release, or let go of something that’s been bottled up inside? Perhaps its a significant or unique date. I’d love you hear about it.

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12 thoughts on “12-12-12

  1. kita

    I am sorry for your loss and when I say sorry I know your loss because I lost my mother a couple of days before Christmas to cancer. When I tell you that I was alive but not living it’s hard. Sometimes I can be happy about it and sometimes I ask why.

    Reply
  2. Chris Carter

    Oh Hope… my dear friend. What a legacy and cherished woman your mom was! I know that your grief will come in waves and for this funeral, it was another moment for you to open your heart to the sorrow and the joy that your mom’s life and death have imprinted on your heart. She sees your beautiful children. And she shares the journey with you in spirit… oh how proud she must be!! Have peace in that sweet friend.

    Reply
  3. Joi @ Rx Fitness Lady

    My condolences for your recent loss of your colleague. The post is touching and it is good that you shared and can find comfort in doing so. 34 grands, what a blessing!!! He will have 33 versions of memories to help him form an image of who & how she was. Stories are a blessing, I feel that I know some deceased relatives based off the repetitive stories about them that people like to go into great detail giving. I think sharing those memories would be most enlightening for your family when you have reunions

    Reply
  4. Nellie

    I am so sorry for your loss, I know that feeling of being brought back to something that happened years ago like it happened yesterday. Your mom is always with you so take comfort in that. You can take even more comfort that she is with our Maker. This is what keeps me going when I think of my lost ones. Thank you for sharing again and I am glad writing it made you release what you were holding it. Blogging is just so therapeutic like that.

    Reply
  5. Michell Pulliam

    Oh Hope! So sorry for the loss of your dear friend and your sweet mother. I know exactly how you feel. This is the second post I’ve read within the past couple of days on losing a mother. Reading your post is such a blessing, because my mother would have celebrated her 70th birthday and 50th wedding anniversary last month…so last month was my month of mourning. She passed away five years ago. I was blessed, however, to have had her for forty years and thank God she got to enjoy her grandkids. I know it hurts that your mom didn’t get to see your kids, but believe me Hope, she sees them.;-) I write letters to mom on her birthdays and the anniversaries of her death, giving her an update on what everyone is doing. It is so therapeutic!! Every now and then I still can’t believe she’s gone, but I’m so blessed to have beautiful memories that will be with my family and I for a lifetime! I guess God wanted us to be a comfort to one another.;-) Thank you for sharing! Praying for you my friend…have a blessed week!;-)

    Reply
  6. The Dose of Reality

    Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your beautiful and longing words about your mother made me cry. Like sit right down and not able to read another word kind of cry. She sounds like such a wonderful and special woman. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have more time with her as a daughter and grandmother to your children. I’m so glad you finally got a bit of the release you needed to grieve. I’ll be thinking of you. –Lisa

    Reply
  7. Sherelle

    Funerals always bring out emotions I never thought were still there. I am so sorry for your loss. I love that you are introducing your children to your mom through pictures, video and memories. I get emotional when I see trucks that resemble my grandfather’s old Chevy.He’s been with the Lord for three years on the 10th of this month.

    Reply
  8. Sorta Southern Single Mom

    Its a beautiful and heartfelt post and one to which I think many can relate. My grandmother, my mom’s mom, passed away just after the new year this year. Watching my mom lose her mom, even when she’s lived and full life and we knew she was ready, was really, really hard and made me realize how hard it will be to lose my own mom, hopefully really far in the future.

    Reply
  9. Hope Reid

    Thank you all for your condolences and kind words. As I read each of your responses, the emotion and tears were overwhelming. Every time I attempted to reply, the tears began…again. I’m strengthen by your experience with loss and feel encouraged among friends. Thank you, Thank you,Thank you!

    Reply
  10. Betty Taylor

    Hope, I am so sorry! I understand how you feel about your mother. I lost my mother over 15 years ago now and it’s not any easier. My youngest was three years old so he doesn’t remember her. I have been writing a blog about My Mother’s Family History http://hooverhistory.blogspot.com/ to help me deal with the loss of my connection to the previous generation. I also am writing one about my dad. I have sit and cried as I write about these losses. Most of the memories are really good ones, but I miss them so much.

    Reply
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