Over the weekend our family traveled out of town to attend the funeral of a colleague and friend. The last two funerals I attended were that of my parents. While I sat in the church feeling a sense of loss and deep sadness for my colleague, I became overwhelmed with emotions as thoughts of my parents, especially my mom, overshadowed everything that was going on. I began to sob. I decided to revisit a post that was written over three months ago. It became increasingly painful to post especially with all of the excitement and celebration of the holiday season. So I delayed publishing it…until now.
12-12-12 is a meaningful date mainly because its a once in a lifetime occurrence. According to numerologists, it is the last major numerical date using the Christian calender for almost another century. The next time three numbers will align is 01-01-3001.
For me, today, 12-12-12 marks 4 years since my mother passed away. I remember quietly pleading with God to let her recover and live. I felt like I wasn’t ready for her to die. I felt like I still needed mom. I still had so many questions to ask her about marriage and raising kids. I had unanswered questions about her life. I remember watching her lay in her bed as life was leaving her body. I still remember the sights, the sounds, the the movements she made as she was transitioning from this life, to eternal life. I miss her all the time, especially during this time of year. (I type as the tears are falling.)
My mom had seven children. She had an opportunity to be “grandma” to all of her grandchildren except mine. I’m the youngest and was the last of my siblings to have children. I used to feel guilty for waiting so long to start a family. Then I felt cheated because my son is the only one of her 34 grandchildren that was born after her death. Now, there is a new generation of great-grandchildren who, like my son, will get to know mom by the legacy she’s left behind.
The holiday season for me is always received with mixed feelings and bitter-sweet emotions. But I’ll choose to focus on the treasured memories of a loving mother. I keep her memories alive to my children through videos, pictures and stories. I read her writings from her old bible and if I listen carefully its as though I can hear her voice speaking to me. Last May, I posted a special mother’s day tribute that describes the type of mother she was.
I actually feel better about this post. I feel like a piece of me that was bottled up inside was released. It’s as if the funeral I attended gave me an opportunity to grieve openly and freely. It didn’t take away from sadness I felt for my colleague but it was a catalyst for my own catharsis.
What experience have ignited an opportunity for you to grieve, release, or let go of something that’s been bottled up inside? Perhaps its a significant or unique date. I’d love you hear about it.